With Hindsight

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it. In hindsight I would of gone No Contact with my parents years ago and saved myself a whole lot of heart ache and maybe have enjoyed better mental and physical health. But in a way I was as brainwashed and conditioned as my Father. He was the Enabler and took her side in everything, no exceptions. He was quite bright and no fool and yet she was such a malignant Narcissist that he was completely under her control, incapable of free thinking. 

And in a way I was too, I was so conditioned to believe I was responsible for her happiness, I was never good enough and I carried such fear and such guilt because of her Narcissism and his Enabling ways that I was forever in a loop of try, try and try again. So when, two years after the death of my first Son, I delivered my second baby boy, healthy {other than a touch of jaundice from a slightly early planned C section due to my history} I was unfortunately still in that loop. I`m still in quite a few loops now actually. Still living with the effects of years of their abuse and settling for less in life as I feel it`s still more than I dare hope for and more than I deserve.  
 I strive to handle things better than they would have, to do the right thing, to have some integrity. My Husband, and with hindsight he was right, would have nothing to do with my parents after what had happened. I bought my baby home, full of happiness and yet full of guilt because I worried my baby in Heaven would think he was forgotten. I am an expert at guilt in all its forms. And as I looked at my new born I wondered if I had to right to keep his Grand parents out of his life, what if he was mad at me in the future if he never knew them, imagine the guilt over that.  With hindsight, Yes I did have the right because I knew only too well how toxic they were and I should of known that neither were capable of the unconditional love this baby, any baby, deserved. So I did have the right and yet conditioned as I was to try and try once more and if I`m truthful, still scared of them both, I made the foolish decision to allow them back in. IDIOT !!
 And so because I would just never learn when my Son was about 6 weeks I decided to call them and ask if they wanted to see him {yes, I know....} No mention was made of what had gone before. They knew I had had another baby because they had asked my Aunt on occasion what was going on and we both agreed that while she didn`t want to tell them much, if they asked her something outright it would not be fair to expect her to lie or deny any knowledge. And so they came over in a taxi one day, both dressed to the nines, she was rather grand and made sickly sweet cooing noises and wanted lots of photos taken. My Father was enchanted with his Grand Son and I foolishly hoped he may be able to have a healthy relationship with him, uninfluenced by her, as I say, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
 And so they saw him every week or so.

The novelty wore off fairly quickly, after a brief fuss on arrival the conversation was diverted back to her but having a little one was a welcome distraction, I was polite but my focus was always my Son and she soon got the message, hence the last minute cancellations that began crop up if she couldn`t be bothered sharing the limelight. I even started to do their shopping, being treated to feedback soon after that the bread didn`t have much date left or the bananas were bruised, did I say do it ya bloody self then, of course not, I just tried harder. My Fathers health deteriorated and she would ring me reporting all his symptoms and be irritated I now had a more important commitment, trying to make me feel guilty she had to care for him and yet he was never so ill she couldn`t get to the hairdressers, Bingo or town. Being in touch was hard work and stressful but the sparkle in my Fathers eye when he saw his Grand Son balanced it out a little. I think it was the only happiness he had left to enjoy though once or twice when I had dropped in unexpectedly she more or less told me when to go so she could take her nap, he looked disappointed but did not challenge her. During this time I miscarried again. They were told of the pregnancy so therefore had to be told of the outcome, she play acted false concern, as if trying to rewrite the history of her past behaviour. I went to ground for a few weeks as I found it unbearable.