The Cold War

I can still never decide if I did the right or the wrong thing next. I think I handled the choice I made very well, my resolve surprised even myself.  But if it was entirely the right choice I just don`t know. After what she said, which hurt and degraded me beyond words, I never wanted to see her again. I gave it serious thought to do just that. I had a few doubts though and they were, What if I cut all contact and she got in a taxi and came over, causing an awful scene outside and upsetting the children, What if she showed up at the school or nursery {this was doubtful as she probably hadn`t registered which ones they attended but you never know} She was sadly the only remaining Grand Parent now, and toxic as she was the children would probably ask why they couldn`t see her any more. I did feel that I was justified in saying that they couldn`t but I really did think she would keep coming around, making suicide threats even...just how she managed to ensnare my Father all those years ago. And, my refusing her access almost gave her a cause to go weeping and wailing to any one who would listen, I would be so wicked, keeping the widow from her Grand Children...

So..I decided, after much thought, deep deep thought, that I would handle it another way. 
I waited for her to call and sure enough she did. She immediately began regaling me with a very dramatic story of how she had been taken ill while out and barely made it to the taxi, pausing for my reply. Deep breath Amanda, I`m putting the phone down now I said. And I did. I knew it wasn`t the last I had heard, she was just plotting her next move. I wondered if she would send in a flying monkey, though she hardly had any left, Father dead and his sister no longer spoke to her after she tried running him down to her and was put right in her place. So the next call inevitability came. In a sharp tone she wanted to know when she could see the children. I told her a particular evening, I told her I wanted nothing to do with her but would bring the children for 1 hour so she could see them, I would be over at 5 o'clock. OK then. We both knew it wasn`t the children she wanted to see, it was to get her feet back under the table and carry on as if all was forgotten. After all she`d always got away with doing just that in the past. I knew this was going to take some hard work on my part but her cruel words regarding my abuse rang in my ears and made me determined. 

 I went around on the dot and made sure the children had books and toys to keep busy. I took my own book too. We went in and she beamed her sickly smile and began chatting as if nothing had happened. I ignored her and only referred to the children when I spoke. Did I want a cup of tea. No. She quickly cottoned on she was getting no change from me so she engaged with the children solely, for probably the first time ever. 5 mins to the hour I stood, collected their things and told them to say good bye to Grand ma. As I went through the door I told her I would be bring them same time next week. This went for about 3 weeks when she rang and said she couldn`t make it that night because....as she started to give me some sob story I spoke over her and said sternly we would miss this week then and make it next. Bye and I hung up without waiting for an answer. As the weekly visits came and went she tried different ploys for attention. We had the unkept, still in nightie, slow sad walk tactic. The full face of make up, I`m going to buy you this and I`m going to buy you that, directed at the children tactic. We had the constant fake cough as Grand ma had been very poorly tactic. And one time we even had the ignore all three of us and carry on knitting tactic, after 40 mins I stood and swept us all out in a matter of seconds, she hurried to the door behind me and slammed it shut when my foot was just about out.

She cancelled at some point and when I just said fine she challenged me and said quite haughtily, Is this ow ya goin be then all the time now Amanda?? Yes it is, I told her, you taunted me about sexual abuse I suffered as a child and reminded me my father chose to do nothing about it. If it was not for the children I would never see you again. And just so you know, if anyone ever wants to know why I treat you this way I will tell them exactly why, IN EVERY DETAIL, great detail in fact, WHAT YOU SAID TO ME. DON`T EVER FORGET THAT, BECAUSE I WON`T. And again I hung up. I believe there were maybe 2 more evening visits and then a nurse rang to tell me she was in hospital, I can`t remember the reason, it was the usual stunt for her, me nerves are bad , me chests bad, me tummy`s upset, I feel giddy....take your pick. Every now and then I would get a call from some medical team or other, she had been sent to a temporary care home as they were unsure they could discharged her safely to live at home, the she was in a rehabilitation centre, waiting for a sheltered housing place to come up. One nurse told me she was asking after the Grand children, she was very anxious about them as she hadn`t seen them in ages and we {meaning me and her} had had a falling out. I took a deep breath and said...Let me tell you why...I told her about what she did at the funeral, I told her about what she said about my abuse, I told her about the neglect and beatings as a child, she listened quietly and I braced myself for her to say something clinically neutral...instead she said very gently....I understand....I was so shocked and grateful to just simply be believed I broke down and had to ring off after I told her...Thank you, thank you for believing me.

Weeks later she called again to give me an update where my Mother was being moved to next. Before she rang off she told me, we have a better idea of how your Mother is now Amanda, we understand how she goes about things. She was so very nice to me, as if she absolutely understood how things must of been. It was so validating for me. I once had a call from a male nurse who told me in a very `I`m on your side` way that Mother had the MRSA virus and If I was you I would not come to see her with two young children as it wasn`t a good idea. I had not intended to visit anyway but I thanked him for letting me know. I wondered after if she had been trying to win the staff over to bully me into seeing her and this was a way of putting a stop to it, if they now had the measure of her.
 The next time I saw her she was on her death bed.