Mother Calling...

There are many telephone related stories, here are just a few.

 After my Father had died and my children were young, we would be in touch most days. Sometimes she would say...

 " What ya doin today Mand?" and I mistakenly told her a few times that, we were off to a toddlers group, going to a friends house for lunch and a play date, or I was popping to town. If she had nothing planned that excited her I would hear her voice change into a poor little me tone and she would tell me of her washing she had to get done {yes, it always seemed to be laundry! She finally had an automatic and was managing to use it herself, just about} or her home help wasn`t very good, her aches and pains, or she was feeling down. It really grated on her that I was now an independently functioning adult with a life she often struggled to impede. 

 {you may wonder why I was not the home-help but then I would have to take the children for her to watch while I whizzed through and did all the chores and she wouldn`t be up for that inconvenience and the home-help also came in handy to run me down to as well as bragging rights that she now had staff again and someone to order about} 

All these troubles were mentioned to guilt trip me and try to spoil things and there was often a follow up call when she would need me to pop over for something or ask me to take her some random place in the next day or so to punish me and put herself firmly back in the picture. I got wise to this, so when she would ask if I had any plans I was ready...Oh not much, the children are a handful today, or I`m up to my eyes in ironing, the freezer needs defrosting.....anything that sounded like a dreaded chore rather than fun...... "Oh Dear"  she would say delightedly, satisfied my day would be miserable, we would chat a while more and then when she rang off she would say snarkily..." Well, have fun then Amanda".  And I would hang up and skip off to do just that.

 Then we had the late night silent nuisance calls. My father-In-Law had just passed away very suddenly and she had heard of the support being offered to his bereaved wife by all the family and I helped out in small ways by taking a turn staying over with her and had expressed my concern, so sensing that someone had stolen her crown in the attention stakes she showed signs of being irritated and we knew something was brewing. About 1 in the morning the phone goes, waking and worrying me {Husband may have been at his Mom`s or in a deep `Lager` sleep} I hurry down and answer...silence...Hello ? Hello ?....silence, then it gets hung up. Creepy. Maybe a wrong number or another Lager enthusiast. 1471 had just been introduced to record the number of the last incoming call to a landline but we didn`t remember until someone else had called since, so it was no help on that occasion. A week or so later, in the early hours of the morning the phone rings again, I hurry down....same again...Hello ? Hello ? long pause and I listen to the silence for a few seconds and then click, it goes dead. So this time I ring 1471 and surprise surprise...guess who ? Why its Mother calling.    

Oh No, It`s Mother

I didn`t ring back. Why not? Because she would of denied it and become hysterical and then my Father, who could barely move without struggling to breathe and now had heart issues, would have borne the brunt of the drama and it would of got us nowhere other than him possibly in hospital. So I wait my chance. Next visit, I`m pleasant and chat away and then mention...Oh we have been having malicious phone calls..... She`s up and off to the kitchen to make tea, calling casually as she goes..."You aven`t av you Amanda...Oh Dear !" I choose not to follow her as it needs to be handled delicately without triggering a melt down. "Oh yes" I say, "Twice actually, in the early hours of the morning" my Father sits glaring straight ahead, refusing to look my way. I can tell from his expression he either suspects her or downright knows it was her. "It`s alright though because there`s a new phone service now, 1471" I give him a demonstration on his phone, letting him hear the home-helps number recorded as the last call they received earlier that morning. There are no `making tea` noises coming from the kitchen, just silence. "So if it ever happens again we can just call 1471 and then we will know who it is and be able to report them and BT will have a record of the previous two calls as well, its a very good service for stopping prank calls isn`t it ?"  My Father still stares straight ahead, nods and brings himself to quietly say yes. "Anyway" I add, by way of reassurance "I`m hoping there won`t be any more and that will be an end to it" The tea never arrives and when she emerges she picks up her library book to hide behind and Father flicks through TV channels, I make small talk about the weather and the garden but not getting much conversation back, I take my leave. We get no more silent calls after that.  

One time when I was off to make my home in yet another bedsit I told her I would ring tomorrow when I was settled. She smirked and I couldn`t think why. Next day when I go to a call box I think I have misdialled as I get an `out of service` continual tone, I redial a few times, same tone, then it dawns on me why the smirk, she`s had the phone disconnected. My inner child flinches and says...oh.....

When we first bought our house we managed without a phone for a while to keep cost

down. She asked me to be sure to call them every week {so she could tell me how she was} and sure enough once a week I would walk to the payphone and put a £1 in. 

Then I would just listen, I even took my book once or twice {I kid you not, £1 lasted quite a while} and then the pips would go and she would breathlessly say oh Amanda you never told me....whatever it was.... Its OK I would say...Bye then.... 

Then after my Father had passed away, she got herself riled up and was just desperate for a big fight. I imagine he would of been for it, had he been alive, so it had to be me instead. She calls and I answer, she`s curt and can I please remember to bring her ear drops over this time that I had picked up for her but had forgotten last visit, yes OK but you said it wasn`t urgent, she hangs up while I`m still speaking.  Uh Oh...here we go. 

 I draw in a breath and decide to keep my composure. Becoming a Mom had given me strength somehow, I wanted to be someone that the children could rely on to handle difficulties and that was empowering to me. Phone goes again, I lose track of the `plucked out of thin air` topics she takes issue with and how many times she eventually has called but it goes on for the next 2 hours or so. I don`t allow her to provoke me and respond calmly, getting hung up on several times. I almost begin to enjoy it, sounds odd, but here I am coping well with call after call from her, desperate to hear me get upset or angry, giving my power away to her and allowing her to press my buttons for a reaction and give her the supply every Narcissist needs but no, not this time. I`m proud of myself, I keep her at arms length as it were. Just when I think she`s had enough the phone goes again, I consider pulling the plug but that`s like letting her win so I just keep answering and keep keeping my cool until she`s practically climbing the walls with frustration. Last call she is screaming about all the bloody bags of `is`{my Father`s} clothes that I`ve left in her way, clothes we bagged together and she said to leave `just there` and would I take them to the charity shop one of the days when she had added a few last things to them. OK enough. 

 I firmly tell her, in my `Mom`s giving you a warning voice`, I use for my children, That she has a place in our family as Grand Ma and I have been as supportive as I can be with her while she comes to terms with the loss of her Husband, its up to her to recognise she can have a lot of happiness enjoying that role but not if she spoils it all for herself by behaving like this, I do not have the time or the interest to listen anymore and I think it should stop right now before it goes too far and we can no longer stay in contact. I pause waiting for tears or an explosion, I will have no tolerance of either. Instead there is stunned silence, so I add that I`m going to hang up now and we will forget this nonsense ever happened. And hang up I do. There are no more calls and I am practically floating with the joy of handling the situation calmly and not feeling as if my head is about to spin off and roll away like I usually do. I also think if only my Father had been strong like that what a different life we all might of had. 
 Next day she calls and is sweetness and light, not a mention of the day before and I go along with it hoping she now understands some boundaries....for a while at least.

A few months after she had passed away I was in my kitchen preparing some veg for dinner and listening to a radio debate. I heard the phone begin to ring and as I left what I was doing, my mind still distracted by dinner plans and the radio guest, I felt the familiar feeling of dread, as I walked through the house towards the ringing phone my stomach was twisting and I felt the usual fight or flight emotions, tension altering my posture. It wasn`t until I was a few steps from the phone that my mind snapped into focus and the realisation that it could not be Mother calling flooded through me. I instantly felt a huge relief and sighed loudly, my shoulders slumping from the release of the tension. I was automatically bracing myself to deal with how and who she would be and preparing to defend myself from an attack from her to garner narcissistic supply. But it couldn`t be her, she was dead. Such was the effect of my phone ringing after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. I actually felt physically tired as I processed it would never be her calling me again, tired in a sense that a battle was finally over......if not exactly won.