Unhappy House

So although happier than I had ever been with new friendships and new experiences there were still ups and downs like with everyone's lives.

The shoe concession in the shop changed company and I found myself training in Dudley for a few weeks with a new firm not quite knowing what branch I would be permanently placed at. As it was I went back to the shop this time as manager of the little shoe department, I had 2 Saturday girls and a part-timer to cover my breaks and day off. I couldn`t believe how lucky I was, we all got along great and the money was really very good for my age. 

I got a cool response from my Mother about my promotion and naturally my board went up considerably. She moved into more of a sullen, depressive phase. I was compliant with all the rules and expectations so it was harder to rant and rave, instead she took to sly digs at me, we had short, snarky conversations and she often tried to bait me, it worked at times when she was quite unreasonable, moved the goal posts for me to trip up, gaslighted and me being tired and knowing I could not win would argue back triggering a hysterical tantrum where we went back to the `upsetting your Mother` days. He would take his queue and raise his voice and threaten me.

I also split with my boyfriend. I can`t say I was heartbroken, I wasn`t, I had lots of friends and was out a lot, worked long hours, so he didn`t leave a huge gap. It was odd really because we got on so very well, we never argued and had the same sense of humour and intellect, we sparked off each other and were always laughing. But, there`s always a but....his Mom had sadly died 2 or 3 years before we met and then he had his heart badly broken by some girl and I think he just was scared he was going to lose someone else he loved. He had this thing were out of the blue he would want a break, he did it 3 or 4 times and he would come back all smiles, having reassured himself I was committed to him as I`d waited for him. Each time it happened it hurt and confused me a little more until I was always waiting for him to say it. It drained the happiness out the relationship though it didn't registrar with him until the next time it happened and I did not want him back. He was truly shocked and angry with himself that he himself had caused the heartbreak he had been so afraid of. But I was adamant it was over. I could not deal with the never knowing where I stood and being rejected whenever he felt uncertain. It made me feel unlovable and worthless just like my parents made me feel. And so just that once I had the courage to end an unhealthy relationship. When I was young and full of hope for the future. I don`t think I ever had that strength again.

My Mother seemed delighted, after all I had failed at something so she mentioned him quite often and he became another stick to beat me with. 

She became so icy and evil, it was like everything that should of bought a parent happiness caused her to hate me. I felt guilty because I had a good job and some money and friends and nice clothes, the more I thrived the more she hated it. They were such a miserable pair, never happy about anything and she began picking and picking at me all the time, its hard to describe but it was as if she was just waiting for a way to destroy me.

And then one day I was in my room and she called me, I went to the top of the stairs and she stood at the bottom looking up, her face set hard, she said

"Amanda, I`ve been thinking, I`d like you to move out and get a flat as soon as possible because you make the house unhappy " I stared at her and took in what she was saying " I mean it, don`t forget now" she repeated, OK I said and with a sharp nod of her head she turned away. I went slowly back into my bedroom and I can still remember sitting on the bed and looking about my room. It wasn`t fancy but it was all I had, all I had ever known and now it felt like it wasn`t mine, like it was never mine, like I had only ever been a lodger, I felt alone and overwhelmed, I was scared, bewildered. I had no one to turn to, I didn't see my Aunt Iris because of her husband and my other Aunt was in Devon now and we were not close in that way anyhow. I had only turned 18 a couple of months ago and now I didn`t feel newly grown up, I felt small and alone, newly single too, as she`d waited until I was most vulnerable and he wouldn`t be about to offer any help. I had no idea where I would go and how I would manage but for seemingly no reason I had just been kicked out. 

Because I made the house unhappy.....