How I Came To Be

Before I went `NO CONTACT` with my Mother,

long before I even knew what No Contact actually meant in full,

we had what I now refer to as The Armageddon Phone Call.

During this phone call I actually asked her if I was her daughter...

She was incredulous and spluttered and stuttered...

loosing the power of speech momentarily

 before screeching..."What ???? WHAT ?????...."

I never felt that was any sort of conformation at all.....

Mother told this story of how I came to be and stuck with it.

She had an operation in her 30`s for a bowel condition. It came to light after they married, I believe, that she had been told by a Dr that she could never carry a child. Whether this was deliberately hidden from my Father until the ring was on her finger is a matter for speculation, as is, if this was even the least bit true at all or a story invented as she never wanted children but knew he did and so strung him along for a while.

As any one knows trying to untangle a Narc`s version of the past only really serves to confuse matters and tie people in further knots.

So apparently in the first years of marriage things got rocky, he was hers now and much of the fake gloss quickly tarnished and he began to get the full force of her rages and unreasonable demands. He didn`t seem at all happy my Aunt recalled, her voice grave with concern for her younger Brother. Consider then that he may be slipping out of her grasp, faced with a clear picture of what a lifetime with her would be like perhaps this weak man was thinking of running back to the open arms of his supportive family and getting a divorce. Who would blame him....

And then out of the blue....According to Mother, at a hospital appointment she was asked did she have children by a Dr, `Oh no`....I can almost hear her actress voice `I can`t have any because of my operation`...sad face 

Dr: Whoever has told you that my dear, Why of course you can, there`s no reason why not. Well imagine that ! And so she had a baby, just like that. Me ! Now here comes the odd part. My Father commented a few times over the years to me that `She never showed` {no baby bump} then suddenly at the end she got very big over night. When she went into labour he was not there and she was whisked away to hospital, I think Granny may have been with her. And though told she was in labour, before any visit could of been arranged to the birthing Mother, there was then a call to say that I had been born. She is then collected from the hospital with baby. She has been told she will be unable to breast feed by a nurse as she is far too frail.

Now the voice of reason says, she was very thin and lots of thin women don`t show until late on. Not every one wants to or is able to breast feed. In the 60`s men were hardly involved with the birth of their children. Perhaps it was a quick birth. Perhaps even though she was frail, nervous, {yes I know but roll with it} and had health issues at 37 she got caught just like that. And it happened to be a girl, Mommy`s little helper.

The voice of suspicion wonders,

If she herself had not given birth there would be no milk, was it a cushion rather than a baby, why was she discharged so quickly given her frailty and ailments, why did she not want my Father pacing the corridor outside in case she needed something like a huge bunch of flowers or an emergency box of chocolates. Why did I appear as if to order, just like that and why, as he admitted himself, was the birth shrouded in mystery.

And why did she never ever seem to love me or feel obligated to provide even the most basic of care ?  And the biggest ? of all, why did she never once regale us with the terrible pain of my birth......pain I would of caused her.... I have a hazy memory of being told she had a C section due to her bowel op and yet after major surgery then, in the 1960`s, why was she allowed home so quickly ? She never mentioned her long, painful recovery after being sliced open to deliver Dear Little Amanda into the world. I rarely glimpsed her in a state of undress but helping her change when she was ill I remember her commenting on a scar on her stomach, from a bowel op but she never referenced a delivery scar, odd given I was berated for every other inconvenience my very existence caused her.

HHhhhmmmm...curiouser and curiouser....

There are more questions than answers