Another suitcase, Another Hall

My other half has had 3 homes in his lifetime so far. He was a home birthed baby and he lived in that house, other than a brief few months with a past girlfriend, until he moved to a flat with me before we bought the house we still live in now. 

 I think that`s a nice stable background, it`s what I would hope for my own children when the time comes.
I have moved around a lot more. Often not through choice. I have always been very anxious about keeping a roof over my head, I can maybe trace it back to being told I would have to `go away somewhere` when I was young and my Mother was raging.  Apparently I was so bad and made her so ill with all the stress I bought that if I kept it up that`s what would happen.  So I was shipped out to my first bedsit and then got frozen out and reeled back home by the lure of my board money, things again got very difficult at home and I found another rented room closer to where I now worked. I then have a brief and a disastrous relationship with a bloke `everybody warned me about`, we rented a flat together which I covered all the costs for and he drank what was left. I then get made redundant and take a lower paid job, we split and I had no choice but to go `home` briefly before finding myself another bedsit which turns out to be not very safe and I meet the lad I eventually marry and end up sleeping on his sisters sofa for a few weeks before yet another bedsit and then a rented flat and on to the house we now have. It was a chaotic few years. No wonder I still have the feeling that the rug could be pulled form under my feet at any time. I have never felt secure. Even the very first year of marriage, when you should feel the future looks secure and bright, only served to remind me that nothing is certain and the threat of being homeless is never far away.

 I was desperate to have some roots and stability but try as I might to find myself a secure home fate kept intervening. The idea of a mortgage scared me in case we could not meet the payments though despite lean times we always did. When my marriage hit bumps I often wondered where I would go and when the bumps were financial I often wondered where any of us would go. Even now I have a habit of browsing the properties for sale and knowing if I found myself alone, with half the proceeds of the house, I would at least be able to have a small flat and a roof of my own, it does make me feel a little more secure. At times the memory of being in my room, after my Mother telling me I made the house unhappy and I must leave, and feeling utterly alone and lost in the world comes back to me, it still triggers a feeling of having nowhere to belong. I still feel alone now, even with my children and my cats who I love with all my heart, I am still a lonely soul, I think I always will be.

Often listened to in my childhood during the long nights home alone.