I think He`s gone....

I reach my 3rd trimester with my 6th pregnancy, leaving work with some very generous gifts and lots of love and good wishes, many work mates had been part of my journey since before my marriage and a little like watching an unbelievable soap opera they were now emotionally invested and were cheering me on to finally head off into the sunset with a baby and a chance at happiness. There were some kind people there and they helped me through some tough times. 

Anna Silivonchik

  I passed the days at home waiting patiently, the nursery was beautifully decorated and I had reorganised the draws of baby clothes again and again until everything was just about perfect. I spent a lot of time in the room sitting quietly, making plans for all the memories yet to be made and the type of Mom I hoped I would be, hardly able to believe how close we were now. 
 I attended my antenatal at 31 wks and 3 days. I was told there was a trace of protein in my urine and my blood pressure was up a little, I was sent home with an arranged midwife visit in 2 days to keep an eye on and me and told to take things easy and not to worry. During the last weeks of this pregnancy I do not remember seeing my parents at all really other than speaking on the phone regularly, more to listen about her than to be asked about baby and me. After all that had passed it was a time when any loving Mother would surely have drawn close to their daughter, instead as I was of little or no use to her she kept her distance.
 The midwife called that Thursday morning about 11, she had a trainee with her. On completing their checks the atmosphere changed, its all mixed up really but an ambulance was called, a hurried over night bag packed, I fed the cats and silently panicked whilst, with forced cheeriness, I was told not to worry and I heard the term  pre eclampsia for the first time. 

 The ambulance crew, scanning my notes quickly, said "Oh just to be on the safe side then really" referring to me going in. "Oh Yes" I nodded with by best sorry to be a nuisance smile. I remember the traffic being heavy as we neared the hospital and we passed a grand funeral procession with a glass hearse and 4 beautiful black horses with plumes atop their bridles. That`s doin it in style someone said. 
 The delivery ward seems very busy on arrival. I`m put in a room, various midwifes and nurses in and out, blood pressure took, talk of changing over shift, another midwife arrives and is jolly though hurried and says she has two other ladies labouring at once too. I`m put on a monitor to record baby`s heartbeat and lay there for a few hours or more listening to the beats, which fade in and out with me having to adjust the monitors position on my tummy myself to stop it loosing track of the heartbeat. 

 I feel a bit dazed and overwhelmed with a lot of questions but no one around to ask. Finally another midwife arrives with apologies about the wait, very busy today etc etc...she frowns at the paper read out and quickly scans the scrolls falling from the machine, adjusting the monitor slightly, the machine runs out of paper and she dashes off for another roll, as she fumbles to fit it looking panicked, alarm bells start to ring. Next the original midwife returns and they look together at the read out, then shes next to me on the bed and is talking of a cesarean, prem ward,  its like a dream, I`m thinking, but I have no nappies with me or anything else, she goes and I lay there, I wasn`t expecting this, I`m not ready, it was supposed to be perfect, this didn`t feel perfect at all. Husband arrives, asks endless questions and does not take in any answers. Then another look at the monitor, doctors arriving, prep her for theatre, baby in distress.....The bed is pulled forward with me on it, a plug getting yanked from the wall because they were too rushed to think of unplugging the machine I`m still attached to as I am dashed out into the corridor and trundled off. 

  It seems to take forever to get an epidural in, I so wish I had begged them to just give me a general anaesthetic but I wasn`t the one calling the shots, surely they should of known what was best and what was quickest....surely. I`m cut open as the anaesthetist talks to me, watches readings on machines and constantly glances down to where they are pulling my little baby from me. Husband is by my side, we both gaze across the theatre as a tiny little baby is laid on a resuscitation station, I catch glimpses of the baby, a boy I have no memory of being told that as many people move about, each with some role to play and yet none achieving anything, there is no cry, just expression less faces studiously avoiding looking our way and then a few shake their heads. I have a strange feeling....I will try to explain it.....somehow. I begin to feel that I cannot breathe, I cannot get any air down, despite knowing that I am breathing and not feeling I am suffocating and yet I still feel I cannot breathe....I actually say I cannot breathe....the feeling isn`t coming from my mouth or my lungs, its coming from deep inside me, it isn`t even a physical feeling, its almost....a feeling in my heart, of my soul, I just know  there is something deeply connected to me that cannot take a breath and I am feeling it too......
 They stitch me up, sit me up and we are moved to a side room. I just have hazy snap shots of memories. 

  Someone comes in a woman, a doctor, she tells us.....and I cannot remember anything she actually says but I receive the information that.....I don`t know, I don`t even know what she told us but, there is no sign of life after working on the baby for a while, there was a very faint heart beat but he was never able to take breath......she looks at me and mentions `stopping`...they are going to stop now....OK? she asks me...I nod....I suppose Husband must of said something too but I cannot remember.....
 I just know they bought him to me placed him in my arms and...still trying to make some sense of what I think I`ve just been told I ask..... "Is he dead ?"......"Yes"  she says quietly......"I think he`s gone"......