After many miscarriages and the death of my first born Son, my 7th pregnancy thankfully ended with the birth of a healthy baby boy. Like most new Mothers I was determined to be the best Mom I could, I had waited so long for this and so often lost all hope in ever having a child. Given my own childhood experiences and conditioning naturally I was caught up in trying to do a good enough job of caring for my little lad. I loved him beyond measure, beyond any description in mere words. I paid close attention to every detail and he was my first priority, my world. I was desperate to give him a very different upbringing than than one I had endured.
And so, I was now back in touch with my parents, despite their appalling behaviour both at and after the funeral of my first born Son, in the misguided hope they deserved a chance at being Grand Parents. I made sure they had the opportunity to see their Grand Son every week or so even if they did not always take the offer up. He was about 2 or 3 months old when on a warm sunny Summers day I took them for a stroll around a local garden centre. At the time I was using a pram/pushchair passed to me by my Sister In Law. It was positioned in the pram mode which enabled my little lad to lay flat until he got a little older. The day was warm and got warmer as we went along. My Son was dressed in a lovely short legged all in one outfit and he was enjoying laying there, gazing up and looking about at things as we passed, his little legs kicking freely, gurgling happily, until he nodded off to sleep. In the heat he was just comfortably cool without any cover on. I was constantly holding the pram and did not leave him for a moment. A few people looked in at him and with admiring smiles and Ohhs and Ahhs they commented how comfortable and contented he looked on this sunny, warm day. I exchanged a few words with people as we went, enjoying my child being noticed as any Mom would. At the time I was not aware of my Narcissistic Mothers reaction to this as I believed she was busy pursuing her favorite hobby of shopping though given what happened later I imagine she was well within earshot and the attention both myself and my child were receiving were triggering the usual reaction deep inside a malignant narcissist. I`ll add that my Father was smiling happily as we made our way around, enjoying being out and about with his Grand Son. Unaware of anything brewing with my Mother the day came to a close and I dropped them home.
The next time I called in I immediately sensed an atmosphere. My Mother seemed oddly on edge and almost excited whereas my Father was stern and straight faced. My stomach twisted with the old familiar tension, I knew there was something coming but I was completely unprepared for the warning and admonishment I was about to receive.
I made small talk for a moment or two but no response was made by either. My Father was sitting in his chair, bolt upright and my Mother stood across from him fiddling with her hands, too agitated to sit it would seem. She was wide eyed and attentive and there was an odd gleam in her eyes, both goading and gloating at the same time. Anyone who has had dealings with a Narcissist will I`m sure know exactly what I am trying to describe.
My Father began, his tone sharp and with no warmth at all. "Amanda, we`re very worried about the safety of our Grand Son, we think he should be strapped down when he`s laying in that pram thing" Mother nods frantically, fidgeting about in anticipation of the supply she will receive when her Enabler has completed his mission. "HE`s going to get SNATCHED by someone if you don`t look out" He raised his voice to aid the delivery of his vile tirade whilst my Mother positively glowed with delight. I stood silent, stunned, blindsided and at a loss to know what to say. My mind raced, instantly questioning myself, my face feeling warm as I blushed with shame and searched my memory of our `pleasant stroll` around the Garden centre, trying to remember some detail, unseen by me but spotted by them, which meant my beautiful precious child had been at risk and I had been too remiss to notice.
I could find none and yet as ever, faced with these two working together to annihilate me and spin any fantasy into a reality where I am blamed and shamed while they are judge and jury, I stood there, bewildered and defenceless of a crime that never happened. My heart was racing as he added more and more with my Mother chiming in and agreeing with him which encouraged him further as he knew he was obeying her orders satisfactorily. I was told they had both witnessed strangers `eyeing him up` and it`s a wonder no one had just picked him up and made off with him and he was `just laying there` waiting to be taken. I need to take more care as a Mother etc.... My mind was racing as I tried to offer that I had not felt he was at risk and I was with him all the time and it was a very warm day so covering him up and tucking him in would of made him too hot and there were no straps to use in the pram position as he would be unable to fall out and was still so tiny but I was talked over every time with them both becoming more adamant that I just did not realise the risk, as if I was a complete fool. Beaten down and triggered into feeling like I had failed as a Mom, I found myself standing silently as my Father wound down and my Mother raked it all over and over, re hashing `snatched children` stories to bolster the issue, revelling in stretching out my clear confusion, guilt and distress. I left shortly after, not wanting to stay in a frosty atmosphere where I was being made to feel guilty over something which never happened. And I remember feeling grateful I was an adult now and could do just that, leave, get away from them, the way I never could have done as a child and I reprocessed the awful twisting fear I would of experienced years ago, wondering how long this telling off would last for and where it would end. I drove home hardly concentrating on the road, trembling inside and feeling attacked and shamed. I can remember spending hours afterwards, worrying I was a bad Mom, wondering if it was all too good to be true and this child would be taken from me too, I played our afternoon trip over and over in my mind, not finding one tiny suggestion that my little Son had for one moment been at risk. And as I slowly calmed down my anger began to rise. If there had been such clear and present danger then why had my Father not once commented on it, or warned me of it. Why had he strolled with me happily smiling away and beaming when my Son was admired. And why did I not have more confidence to say it was all a load of contrived rubbish.....well I know why obviously ! But I should of had more faith in myself, I was a rather possessive Mom and was not the type to allow my lad to be passed about to all and sundry for cuddles, I was particular over who picked him up and was always watchful, therefore if there had been the merest hint of someone unusually close or interested in him I would of been on it straight away.
And the longer I thought the clearer it became. It was all rooted in my Mother, her witnessing my moments of pride and joy in the happiness of Motherhood and receiving the admiration of passersby who so often coo a little over a beautiful baby. She could not stand it no doubt. And as the jealousy coursed through her she came up with an angle to attack me with and remove any pleasure I had been enjoying. And my hopeless, hapless Enabling Father had been turned to her side in an instance I`m sure. Had I been quicker that day I could of remarked why he had chosen to say nothing about this danger at the time. I imagine he would of raged along side her, furious at being caught out and challenged and probably `having a funny turn` all bought on by his argumentative daughter who had no care for their feelings or her own Son, Oh I`m sure they would of milked it for all it was worth to anyone who would listen. They were both manipulative when faced with any clear evidence they were spinning a yarn.
The seed was successfully sown though and I forever harboured a deep down fear afterwards that this may be a way I would lose another child. They really did begrudge me every moment of happiness and after so many years of utter heartache I really do feel I absolutely deserved to enjoy every moment of my children's childhood just as my children did too.
