Hello....Goodbye

 I watched as a Paediatrician walked away down a corridor holding my Son wrapped in a hospital blanket. I remember she was looking down at him and she had a brown leather saddle bag over her shoulder, funny the obscure details you recall during the most harrowing of events. It was Thursday evening. 

 We are put in a room off a service corridor, away from the hustle and bustle of the Maternity department. Still showing signs of Pre Eclampsia I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine with midwives in and out every hour or so. I way awake staring into the dark and listening to the repetitive noise of the machine. It was as if time was caught in a loop or a glitch. I could not go back and undo what what was done and yet I knew there would be a part of me forever held in this day and how time would ever begin to move forward I could not imagine. I watched the dawn break and disturb the darkness of the room, I resented it, it meant the my little baby had been born yesterday, time was already consigning him to the past. I tried to wonder where he may be now but the thought was pulled back before I could examine it and I felt dazed and unable to focus on anything. Looking back I suppose it was shock. 

The room had a double bed and my Husband was allowed to stay with me, he got up, used the bathroom, made tea, began to ready himself to face the day to make all the phone calls and speak the unspeakable. I lay there and listened. The drugs slowly wore off and I began to feel the physical pain from the incision and my breasts becoming full and tender as the milk began to `come in`. I could write pages and pages and never be able to cover, every detail, thought and emotion. This Blog is about the effects of my Mothers Personality disorder on my life so its not the place to write all this and I just could not bear to anyway. But I will skim the basic details. There was a constant flow of midwifes. One of them, My Midwife from the day before came in and struggled to control her distress, I remember her saying I never would of left you if I had known. Our Son was bought to us, he was so beautiful, with a head full of dark hair, he looked as if he was sleeping, we took turns holding him and held him together. 
Again, too painful, too private to go into detail.

 And then the Grand Parents came to visit. First my Husbands Parents. I don`t remember anyone actually breaking down and sobbing, I think everyone was trying so hard to be strong for both of us, though the tears that had been shed left their mark on their sorrow filled faces. My MIL looked shaken, she was always such a strong, maternal, nurturing figure in the family, there never seemed to be any situation with a Grand Child that she could deal with swiftly and efficiently, she was a true matriarch, but for the first time ever I recognised a helplessness and despair as she came in, hugged and kissed us and then looked about her with no idea what to do to help either of us...
 My FIL had large, shovel like hands from a lifetime of manual work. Sitting down he held out those huge hands as the body of his tiny Grand Son was placed in them, he was trembling as he tenderly placed a kiss on his forehead. He seemed almost afraid to speak, or was simply unable to find any words...he nodded his head in acknowledgement, as if to say...oh I see, I understand whats happened here. My MIL visited several times, never one for elaborate speeches, her mere presence bought comfort.

And then my own Parents came. The door opened and my Mother entered the room first. She looked at me and said quietly "Hello Amanda", nothing was put on about her tone, for once she actually there. My Father next, hunched, holding his stick, his blue eyes glassy with emotion as he tried to hold his composure. 
 "Let me see" she said as she came towards my Son, "Oh He`s beautiful". The minutes went by, words were spoken, I think tea was made. And then sunlight flooded the room. She was holding him and she walked towards the window, allowing the warm light to bathe him. She was smiling and said softly, "I`ll get a bit of sun on him" I watched as she rocked him back and forth tenderly, smiling up at the sun and then down at him. As if somehow the warmth may awaken him, she rocked him as if he was just asleep and she smiled tenderly all the time, as if acting this out would make it so. I envied her ability to disconnect in that moment, she seemed to be in a far better place than I was.....