Towards The Light

It had been months since I had seen her. I think she had been home for a brief time. On Christmas day she called, we had been bracing ourselves for it. I answered and as soon as she said hello I jumped straight in and told her I imagine you want to wish the children a Happy Christmas, wait and I will go and get them, they each took a turn saying a few words to Grand Ma and when the phone came back to me I said OK then but as I was about to say Bye she hurriedly said "Wait a minute Amanda, I don`t know who I am ". "Neither do I" I replied, hung up and disconnected the phone. She was trying to feign a breakdown, she wanted me to pity her, perhaps go and pick her up and bring her to mine so she could play the poor, confused old lady, eat a huge meal, have a nap and then get taken home again with an invite for New Year and off we would go again. Sorry but not this time. I was done.
 Odd that she didn`t know who she was and yet knew who I was and my phone number. The time passed and I waited for a call to say she had moved to sheltered housing and was settled and could she see the children, I would of taken them but it would not have changed a thing regarding me and her. In the end that never happened.
 I had a call one night from a nursing home, the story was she had been in and out of there for months, moving to a rehabilitation unit and then back there again. This time when she had arrived back to them they were shocked at her deterioration, she had a broken arm and a bruised face from a fall and had been unwell for days, they now believed she was on her death bed and were informing me in case I wanted to go to her as I was still next of kin. When I told my Husband, his reaction was why would I want to go, after all she had done. I really didn`t want to, I only half believed she was as ill as they said as I had fallen for these types of tricks from her for years. But......inner child was whispering...what if she`s dying and wants to say sorry....what if she will tell us why she never loved us ?......Deep down I felt it was the right thing to do, I did not want to speak to her and imagined I would walk out if she tried to hoover me back in. But if this was her last ever chance to put things right....then I wanted to hear what she had to say. I had harboured a thought for years that I was not hers, or something terrible had happened to her that made her be the way she was to me.....I wanted a reason, perhaps a reason to forgive her even. I had never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder then. So we got my sister-in-law to come round and stay with the children and we went. The staff on the desk were frosty, no doubt sold chapter and verse about the wicked, uncaring, neglectful daughter, Me.
 I went into her room and she was in bed, pale and frail and breathing shallowly, her eyes open just a little but glazed and unseeing. They bought me some gloves to wear because of the MRSA infection. I touched her arm and she was cold so I asked for a blanket. They bought one, it was well worn and tatty, as I took it I thought how she would of turned her nose up at it but it was all there was. I covered her up and tucked it around her and my heart softened just a little. I remembered how she was cold and poorly dressed as a child, it seemed unfair she was cold now too....near the end. I told her I was here and held her hand. She made no response. I sat for a while, Husband pacing about and sighing as he wondered if we would be there for hours and he did not want to be. But within a short while her breathing changed and became more spasmodic, it was laboured and I knew it would not be long. I stood by the bed holding her hand and telling her I was there. And so she slowly drew her last breath....I told her this as she died....I said...
 It`s alright Mom, you`ll be OK now, Dad`s waiting and your Brother`s too, go towards the light, don`t be frightened, you`ll be OK, Granny will be waiting too, its OK, God Bless.... 
I looked up as I said it, imagining her soul rising up and away to a better place. I hoped she would find some peace there. For there was no peace for her in this life, nor for anyone close to her.  There was a young lad at the desk, he told us they would call the funeral directors and I was given her handbag and told her other things would be packed for us to pick up tomorrow. He was quite snotty with me, I`m sure all he saw was a woman who didn`t give a damn about her aged, dying Mother. As I walked away I thought it was quite fitting really, a final act of gaslighting to make me look like the guilty one. 
 It felt unreal, like a dream. I sat in the car, letting it sink in that there had been no death bed confession or expression of regret.... That she was just gone and I would never know, never know why she could not love me. "That`s it then now, it`s over" my Husband said. "Yes" I replied.