The suffering of Others

I realised there was something very wrong with my Mother from a very early age.

Over the years how I described it often changed as I understood more, suffered more, grew older and wiser and finally with a little help from the internet had the light bulb moment and found it has a name and I`m not alone.

I went from, my Mommy`s horrible {don`t say that}, 

Mom doesn't like me {of course she does}

 my Mother`s evil {that`s a wicked thing to say}

 I hate my Mother {me too, no hash tag}

to feeling like the mystery was never going to be solved after she died,

googling evil Mother and then there it was,

Narcissistic Mother

and it was her, her all over, exactly her.....I grinned like an idiot and sobbed like a fool 

and then read til my eyes nearly bled and my head was ready to explode with the 

even further validation that the phrase Daughter Of a Narcissistic Mother was popping up again and again

I was not alone......oh God....poor souls...

Before I had a label for it though I saw the same type of abuse happening about me on a few occasions.

The Girl On The Bus

On the bus, two girls about 11 or 12 get on with a woman. It becomes apparent she`s the Mother of one and the other girl is a friend. The girls sit together and she sits in front.

They begin to chatter excitedly, off for a trip to town and a burger. Mom however, instead of looking ahead and allowing them their privacy to chat away, sits half turned eavesdropping and it soon becomes apparent she`s leaping in every chance she gets to add something, a sly dig at her daughter, a little unnecessary teasing, a put down here and there, mocking and sniping and laughing merrily away as if its all in good fun and she`s one of the girls. Except it it`s not in good fun. Its classic Narc Mom behaviour. 

Every time the girls try to carry on chatting or the subject bounces around to school, boys, music, fashion, whatever, Mom`s straight in with a thinly veiled dig.

I watch as the happiness drains from the daughters face, she begins to blush and looks uncomfortable, eyeing her Mother nervously, wondering how far this will go, the friend looks puzzled and laughs along at first then picks up on her friends tension and goes a little quiet leaving the Narc Mom to talk at the two silent faces, giggling at her own jokes talking about, herself. 

I would dearly like to grab that woman's head and slam her face into the bus window a few times, at least til blood is drawn, possibly a broken nose and few broken teeth thrown in for good measure would be good and shout to the daughter to run like hell.

Yes I still tend to daydream when triggered.

Oh dear ! Dear little Amanda !!

I stand for my stop and catch the girls eye, I give her a warm, gentle smile, she pauses wondering why some random woman is smiling at her but I hold her gaze and deepen my smile and she seems to understand I am conveying my sympathy and she accepts it with a soft smile in return. I move forward down the bus and pause hoping to catch Narc Mom`s eye and deliver her my best filthy `I`ve got the measure of you` look but shes smiling to herself and is away with the faeries.

I have thought about the girl numerous times since then.

The Girl At The Shopping Centre

I had parked my car and was on the way into a shopping centre when I heard shouting.

Along the lines of ..you`re so naughty, I hate you, nothing but trouble, come on, hurry up.

As I move through the sliding doors I see a young girl about 6, pale, scruffy and sullen, she is fastened around the wrist with a toddler strap and holding the other end is a thin, haggard looking woman, she`s dressed as if much younger and I wonder if its her own child but then she says something like wait til I tell your Mom you little....she yanks again at the strap and child gets pulled along, I`m sure she says Gran to her and the woman again says something about wait til you get in....

I`ve walked past now but turn to see them stop in an alcove by the door and seem to wait for someone, the girl sits down on the floor and the woman carries on cursing her though tones it down as she sees me taking it all in.

I carry on slowly my mind racing, I want to say something but what, it was bad but was it bad enough for me to have good grounds to intervene, I drift into a shop and realise I`m triggered, back to when I was taken home and knew I was for it. I start browsing, realise my hand is shaking and my eyes blurred with unfallen tears. I should of said something, I walked right by, but if I said something and the woman got really mad it may make it ten times worse for the girl when she got home....What to do...what to do...I leave the shop quickly, looking around for maybe a security guard, no luck and as I retrace my steps I find them gone, I dash outside frantically looking about....no sign

I went back in and tried to carry on with my shopping but I could not settle,

I drove home with tears rolling down my face

to this day I don`t know if my intervention would of made it worse rather than better but I so wish I had tried.

The Daughter Of A Friend

I knew she was a Narc after a couple of chats. Especially how she spoke of her daughter, oh it was all very cheery and light hearted but it was always about her faults and how much trouble she caused...we are always late because she hasnt got something...she never wants to come with me I don`t know why...off to parents evening wonder what shes been up to now...look at the state of her, look at her bag, her shoes her hair etc

All the time the girl silent and straight faced other than an odd eye roll.

So one morning I`m hurrying along and see the daughter ahead of me and ahead of her I hear Narc Mom...come on come on you always make us late, I catch the Daughter up as she`s dawdling and just as I over take her I spin around and say "It won`t last forever you know you can get away when you are older, do anything, go anywhere" the Daughter looks flabbergasted and I give her a cheeky wink and say "NO REALLY, You can !!!"  And with that I catch her Mom up. 

We part ways shortly and by now the Daughter is grinning from ear to ear, I wink again and tell her Don`t forget and she laughs, Narc Mom glances between the two of us wondering what she`s missed. 

I have seen her once since, winked and laughed and she`s nodded and laughed back.

I hope that young lady will be one of the luckier ones that breaks free early.