The Green Scarf

This Blog will jump around a little and won`t be a straight timeline, I`ll write as different incidents or reflections come to me or as I am able to address some of the more distressing memories.

So we will jump to the late 1970`s, I was roughly 12 or 13. 

And I was beginning to realise my Mother truly was my worst enemy. 

Though still deeply afraid of her there was the tiniest spark of courage from time to time and I had begun on a rare occasion to answer back, or point out the obvious absurdity in some imagined snub she was ranting about. The teenage years were nearly upon me !

My Mother was one of 7 and her sister, who lived out in the countryside, had looked after me on occasion when she had been in hospital. I still went and spent an odd weekend with her or a week over the summer holidays to give Mother a `break` which given the fact I was now the house keeper in all but name and wages was quite funny had it been not been so sad.

I was given a little pocket money, just a little, I never had much pocket money from my parents. 

It was an unspoken rule that she would expect a gift on my return. Mother loved gifts, she never treasured, valued or kept them, after the grand presentation they were quickly discarded and forgotten but just for a brief time they appeased her, reaffirmed she had been the focus of someones attention even if they were away on a holiday and it satisfied her narcissistic, avaricious nature.

So shortly before I left she treated herself, treats came in fast succession for Mother if for no one else. She had bought herself an olive green shearling winter coat, to add to the other 10 or so coats she already owned though hardly wore. It was an unusual colour for her to choose and she had grumbled a few times that the collar was very low and she thought her neck would be chilled in winter.

So staying at my Aunt`s Saturday rolled around and we went on our usual shopping trip to Shrewsbury. Trained as I was to always make her a priority I was anxious to buy her gift first and get the job out of the way so I could browse a little for myself as girls of that age love to do ! I`ll add here that my two Uncle`s, Mother`s brothers, who I adored, also lived in the village and as always had been very generous giving me some spending money.

But what to buy....??? The wrong gift could easily trigger a rage...as would be the case here I would later discover. After looking about for a while I spied a green scarf, thinking of the green coat she had just purchased and the collar issue I decided it was the perfect gift. I day dreamed as I waited to pay that she may meet some tragic end wearing the scarf, perhaps it would catch somewhere, in a lift door maybe and after some bloodcurdling scream she would be no more and my Father and I would live happily together.....I lived in my imagination, it was so much safer that my reality, well for me at least if not for Mother !!

Note: Thinking back, a girl of my age should of been full of excitement shopping for myself and surely an after thought of a small box of chocolates for my Mom should of been plenty to which any normal Mom would of been delighted but still said really there was no need. But the Narcissistic Mother trains their offspring from an early age that their needs are of no importance, its all about Mother. Or else !!

And so I arrived home and at some point presented Mother with the scarf, I was so happy and sure she would like it, perhaps that was my mistake, being pleased with myself about an accomplishment, even if it did benefit her, well that edged towards being successful at something and Mother preferred, ashamed, contrite, remorseful, apologetic, the list goes one but pleased with myself wasn't on there. There was a flicker of displeasure that crossed her face and her thin lips tightened into a slightly meaner line. I knew there and then that I would be for it at some point. When Mother had thought up some crazy angle to attack me from.

 So things were tense for a few days and I knew it was only a matter of time before she blew. I`ll note here that I spent 90% of my childhood in the fight or flight mode, no wonder I`ve been screwed ever since.

So eventually she was triggered into a Narcissistic rage, I cannot remember what set her off, maybe nothing but she raged and ranted and screamed and preached, her face red, gasping for breath, all the usual accusations, I was a very naughty girl, thoughtless, why did I keep upsetting her, I made her nerves bad, I made the house`unhappy`, if I kept upsetting her I would have to be taken away, I had always been trouble, 12 nappies I had on in the flat that day.....{a harrowing tale for another post} etc etc, all the usual bullet points in her rant...and then she mentioned the scarf.....ahhhh....I had been waiting for that....

So here we go then....

"And that scarf YOU`VE bought me, I KNOW why you`ve bought that, you DAMN well know that green doesn't suit me and makes me look washed out, that`s why you picked it out wasnt it ???`.....She paused briefly gasping for breath, her face crazed with rage and her eyes wildly flickering around whilst she searched her data base of past perceived wicked deeds of mine to select the next crime to remind me of and rake over yet again....

But, something snapped in me....for the first time ever....40 or so years on I still flinch at the memory and wonder how on earth I had the courage to challenge her and yet I did, I guess everyone has a breaking point or perhaps I was still naive enough to think if I raged back with truth, logic and sanity then she may magically see the light and become `normal`....of course that never happened.

And so Dear little Amanda found her voice, briefly, temporarily but she found it. "Actually", I said calmly and quietly "I bought it to go with your green coat" She was instantly wrong footed, she stuttered and looked at me incredulously, both, I suspect, because she had no come back and also because I had dared to answer her back. Fuelled by her momentary confusion my frustration with my `never ever satisfied` Mother gathered strength, snatching the scarf up I demanded she "Come with me"

Upstairs I marched, dutifully followed by a silent, if somewhat out of breath Mother. I flung the doors of her wardrobe open and heaved the heavy coat out, which was packed in tight with all her other `must have` but `hardly worn` coats. Remember we are working class, living in a council house in a rough area and money was always tight, so I was told.....I took in the bulging rail and thought to myself, `no bloody wonder`.

I draped the coat across her bed, neatly made by me earlier. I held the scarf against it, they were similar toned greens and went well, I reminded her how she complained of the low neckline and told her I had looked for ages for the right gift and was so sure this was perfect and it was green, green like her new coat, green, a colour which now apparently made her look washed out. I then marched to the bathroom and returned with some scissors....{no I didn't stab her...life is full of regrets is it not?} and I then proceeded to cut the scarf up into pieces, all the time telling her, now breathless myself from the effort of being brave, that I was sorry I gave it her, sorry I bought green, sorry I forgot she didn't wear green and sorry I was such a useless idiot...or words to that effect.

 I then turned to find her standing, head bowed, hands clasped, with the demeanour of a scolded child "Oh Amanda I`m sorry, I forgot about that coat....well I was going to take it back actually"...she added, grasping for some defence. I was to see this sudden change of behaviour a few more times in the future, she was smart enough to know when her ridiculous argument had been blown completely out of the water and she fell back on the `little lost soul`, "I just didn't realise" act, wringing her hands for full effect. She really did deserve a shelf full of Oscar`s. I went to my room then, after the burst of adrenaline had dissipated I sat quietly wondering what the hell I had just unleashed.

We were both wary of each other in the days that followed. Both silently noting something had shifted. I had become a tad more difficult to control, she was going to have to up her game and I was going to have to be even more vigilant and watchful of her traps.

All this because I bought my Mother a green scarf.