So after Grammar school was not an option I moved to the local Comprehensive with everyone else until I was 16.
I walked there and back, some kids got the bus but by the time it turned up I was often nearly home when it passed by. It took about 25 mins each way and I came home for lunch too so that was about 2 hours walking a day. I was slim and fit and also frozen and drenched when the weather was bad.
Mother was usually just about up when I got home. Lunch was anything she had to hand, toast or a paste sandwich, there was nothing one day but cucumber and when I said OK I`ll have that she gave me a beaming smile of approval and said sweetly, " You`re not much trouble are you"
My confidence grew a little and I made a few friends to sit by in the various lessons.
Things got tougher at home though, I went through puberty and Mother the menopause.
I continued to be kept busy with chores and as I grew and Mother aged she took more of a supervisory role in the housekeeping department.
She also realised I was becoming more clued in to how off things were at home, I was growing up and becoming harder for her to control, I sensed this and it was empowering and I was quicker witted than she was and shot back with one liners more and more. There were some blazing rows and my Father became more menacing in an effort to control me and appease her, he scared me but I tried not to show it.
When I arrived home from school chances are she would be in bed napping, I let myself in with my key but had to call to her so she knew it was me entering the house and not some mad axe man, we never got that lucky.
I was in a quandary here. If I went in and shouted loudly and woke her with a start she would be mad. If I went in quietly and called softly she could not hear me {remember we are in a 3 storey house so she is on the 2nd floor} and if she woke later to the sound of me downstairs she would be mad I had not let her know I was home. It was a fine art calling out at just the right volume. Then there was her reply. A sleepy response meant I`d been successful. A startled response meant I had woke her and it she could not nod back off and got up she`d in a vile mood. Or if she was up and answered me in a sharp voice it meant she was awake and mad about something and I was going to be her verbal punchbag or if she answered in her quiet moody voice `I`m not happy and I`m not saying why ` well that may mean she was waiting to lay into me about something or nothing and maybe waiting to enlist my Father to help her. He had become her bully boy more and more in recent years as her mood was more erratic and she went through the change.
Of course in between all this there were the days when I got home and things were OK but I just never knew when those day would be, I never knew what I was walking into when I was walking home, home where I should of been safe and loved.
I messed about a bit in the last year or so at school, I made friends with a girl who was trouble and I revelled being in the company of someone who just did not care. I wasn`t in any trouble myself but I could of done better if I had tried harder.
I was set on a career in nursing, though all I got from them was that it would be very hard work and I`d be on my feet all day, why would that come as a shock to me I was hardly spoiled was I. I went for an open day at the hospital and was full of excitement.
But when my results came in I didn't quite have what I needed to take the SRN, State registered nurse and so decided I would go for the SEN, state enrolled nurse, I was hoping to work up to the other qualification but when I told my Mother`s sister, my Aunt, she put me off by saying SEN was for duffers so I asked if I could stay on school for an extra year, re take an exam and apply for the SRN.
I was told "Listen Amanda, we`ve kept you all your life and you are 16 now, its time you bought something into the house, you need to get a job and start paying your way"
My Father had been made redundant a couple of times by now and he was in his 50`s so took what he could and the money wasn`t great. They were waiting on my keep to top them up financially. I was too shamed about the SEN course now after my Aunt`s careless words so I felt I couldn`t opt for that and so I left school. I applied for shop jobs in town and wrote lots of application letter`s....
"Christ, you don`t need more bloody stamps do you " she moaned.
I continued to be kept busy with chores and as I grew and Mother aged she took more of a supervisory role in the housekeeping department.
She also realised I was becoming more clued in to how off things were at home, I was growing up and becoming harder for her to control, I sensed this and it was empowering and I was quicker witted than she was and shot back with one liners more and more. There were some blazing rows and my Father became more menacing in an effort to control me and appease her, he scared me but I tried not to show it.
When I arrived home from school chances are she would be in bed napping, I let myself in with my key but had to call to her so she knew it was me entering the house and not some mad axe man, we never got that lucky.
I was in a quandary here. If I went in and shouted loudly and woke her with a start she would be mad. If I went in quietly and called softly she could not hear me {remember we are in a 3 storey house so she is on the 2nd floor} and if she woke later to the sound of me downstairs she would be mad I had not let her know I was home. It was a fine art calling out at just the right volume. Then there was her reply. A sleepy response meant I`d been successful. A startled response meant I had woke her and it she could not nod back off and got up she`d in a vile mood. Or if she was up and answered me in a sharp voice it meant she was awake and mad about something and I was going to be her verbal punchbag or if she answered in her quiet moody voice `I`m not happy and I`m not saying why ` well that may mean she was waiting to lay into me about something or nothing and maybe waiting to enlist my Father to help her. He had become her bully boy more and more in recent years as her mood was more erratic and she went through the change.
Of course in between all this there were the days when I got home and things were OK but I just never knew when those day would be, I never knew what I was walking into when I was walking home, home where I should of been safe and loved.
I messed about a bit in the last year or so at school, I made friends with a girl who was trouble and I revelled being in the company of someone who just did not care. I wasn`t in any trouble myself but I could of done better if I had tried harder.
I was set on a career in nursing, though all I got from them was that it would be very hard work and I`d be on my feet all day, why would that come as a shock to me I was hardly spoiled was I. I went for an open day at the hospital and was full of excitement.
But when my results came in I didn't quite have what I needed to take the SRN, State registered nurse and so decided I would go for the SEN, state enrolled nurse, I was hoping to work up to the other qualification but when I told my Mother`s sister, my Aunt, she put me off by saying SEN was for duffers so I asked if I could stay on school for an extra year, re take an exam and apply for the SRN.
I was told "Listen Amanda, we`ve kept you all your life and you are 16 now, its time you bought something into the house, you need to get a job and start paying your way"
My Father had been made redundant a couple of times by now and he was in his 50`s so took what he could and the money wasn`t great. They were waiting on my keep to top them up financially. I was too shamed about the SEN course now after my Aunt`s careless words so I felt I couldn`t opt for that and so I left school. I applied for shop jobs in town and wrote lots of application letter`s....
"Christ, you don`t need more bloody stamps do you " she moaned.
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