She always wanted what was mine

I like many other daughter`s of narcissist`s have a big issue with self care, struggle with spending money on myself and am often triggered by gifts.

I was raised to believe I am unworthy of many things and should I be on the receiving end of something nice there would be a price to pay later.

Various incidents come to mind of my Mother`s jealousy over the years and how she could not bear for me to have something nice, she was full of envy and either wanted what I had, something similar or something better.

Two dear Uncle`s of mine, her brother`s, who were always very generous with her, 

bought me a pretty red watch for a birthday present once, possibly my 13th, 

they usually gave me money so it must of been a significant Birthday.

As soon as she saw it I recognised the familiar tightening of her lips, her face

darkening and faint scowl appearing.

She told me sharply not to lose it. And with that any enjoyment I would of gotten from 

wearing it was tainted, I knew she was jealous of it so I risked triggering a rage if she saw me `flaunting it` as she would view it and I was also terrified of losing it or scratching it knowing she would relish reporting back I hadn`t taken care of it and I just didn`t deserve nice things.

So jump forward to when I was starting a new school term. I was expected to buy my own supplies from my pocket money, that was OK as I loved stationary and writing so 

often bought bits and bobs. But this time I needed quite a lot, a calculator and geometry set and an ink pen and cartridges as I recall. She grumbled when I asked her about buying them, she asked if I had the money. No I didn`t, then a flicker of an idea crossed her face and her lips curled in a sly smile. Well Amanda, you know that watch you never wear...I wonder why ?!....well I`ll buy it off you if you need a bit of money. And BINGO ! She had it, like a fool I said OK, already fretting I would be in trouble for not arriving at school with the equipment I needed. So she had the watch. It barely fit her as I think it was more of a child`s size.

She wore it for a few days and pretty soon it disappeared into a draw and was forgotten about by her.

It was never the actual watch she wanted, she just didn`t want me to have it, a symbol that I was cared about by someone, I was special to them, that drove her crazy. Once she had taken that away the watch was unimportant. Her jealousy and envy were both legendary and childlike. 

Then there was the time she came over when we had swapped and updated the children`s bedrooms. She came upstairs to have a look as my lad wanted to show Grandma his new room.... In he scamper`s full of excitement followed by her then me.
Her reaction ?

Firstly: "OH I say, it`s BEAUTIFUL ! "

Looks all about taking it all in

Secondly: Expression darkens, folds arms, posture stiffens, her tone becomes hard and she says in an almost accusatory voice "You know he`s a very very lucky boy to have a room like this" she jerk`s her elbow slightly in indignation " I never had anything like this when I was growing up" .

Well she was born in 1927 and it was now 2003 so that stands a chance right ?

As I took in the complete change in her demeanour and the outright jealousy written all over her face....triggered by her little grandson`s bed room I realised yet again she was still just as spiteful and full of envy. It took me right back to her reaction to anything nice that came my way as a child and what really unsettled me was that Grand Ma didn`t feel any differently towards her Grand children. 

She was irritable the rest of the visit, showing little interest with the children and kept the conversation mostly on any troubles she had, running people down and moaning about this and that. I drove her home at the first opportunity without making it look too obvious.

It was particularly disappointing as by now my Father and the children`s other set of Grand Parents had passed away, she was the only one left.

Oh and around the same time there was the blue coat. A young family, now managing with one wage, money was tight and carefully budgeted. It was a cold winter and I didn`t have a winter coat, I tended to just layer up under a couple of cotton Mac`s I had. So I`m shopping and I fall in love with a blue faux shearling 3/4 quarter length coat, its very reasonable but as ever I pick it up, put it down, look at it for a couple of weeks but finally decide to buy it. 

I turn up at Mother`s wearing it...

her eyes are on stalks..

"OH Amanda I DO LOVE that coat" Where was it from, are there any left, how much was it, what size is it, can I try it on etc....

And that was all I really needed, after that when I put it on I just got a sense of foreboding, ridiculous I know, I`m sure a psychiatrist would have a field day, I could not bring myself to wear it often or with any enjoyment. And amazingly enough I ended up giving it her. I wouldn`t say I made the decision to, the offer just came blurting out on a visit one day, she took it with delight and wore it next time I saw her. I never saw her wear it again.

I did however see her in a couple of new coats quite soon after, one a shearling type which was clearly far more expensive and better quality than the one I had given her.

And then it started to grate on me, I was angry at myself for being so conditioned to give her what she wanted. And after brooding over it I eventually asked her about it...

If she wasn`t wearing it any more and had other new ones she preferred might I have it back as I didn`t have another coat and I could do with it...

Well she was infamous for filling doorstep charity bags up with the endless `must have/soon discarded` clothes she constantly bought on a whim and for a fleeting moment her eyes darted about in panic and we looked at each other, both suspecting that was where the coat had ended up. She went to her wardrobe, still uncertain if it would be there, but thankfully it was, along with 3 other similar ones, one still with the tags on.

 So I got it back. 

I had a new bracelet one time, nothing expensive, just a piece of fashion jewellery. It caught her eye "Oh I like that Amanda....I`ll av that off ya when you`ve finished with it". No boundaries as ever. Not long after she had died I found it broken with the beads scattered about, somehow it had fallen from the stand it had hung on for months and broken all by its self. I asked the children if it was one of them, they said no and wanted to see what had happened, I could see they were telling the truth. It gave me the shivers a bit. 

After she had died I bought myself a pair of boots, as the one other pair I had had split.

It was a sunny if chilly Autumn day and I was taking the children to a park for a little outdoor time before Winter set in and to enjoy jumping about in the fallen leaves, as children love to do. I looked down at my bare legs and glanced at the new boots sitting in the cupboard waiting for their first outing, I knew I should wear them, but somehow......I just could not....not yet. At the park I noticed most other Mom`s wrapped up and sporting various styles of cosy boots, my pale and now cold legs drew a few glances. As I looked down at them I felt a little self conscious and wished I had had the courage to have worn my new boots...I still didn`t for a week or two later. That`s the effect years of narcissistic abuse has, and make no mistake it is abuse, the worst kind as there is no visual evidence, I wear my scars on the inside. I`ll add that a great pleasure of mine was buying clothes for my children, they never wanted for a thing and their happiness brings me happiness.

There are many more similar stories, too many to recall every one. Though I`ll never forget after a painful and unexpected break up from a lad I`d been seeing for a year or two, I put the cheap but treasured ring he had bought me in the bin in the sitting room. 

I was broken hearted.

A few days later I spied it on her finger...."What are you wearing ?" I asked incredulously, stepping closer. She quickly tried to cover her hand and with a sheepish expression and in a whiny childlike voice she said "Well I thought if you didn`t want it I`d have it"

She had passively watched my distress from a cool distance, offered not an ounce of support or sympathy during this break up and then casually retrieved the ring from the bin and took it for herself....

Yep that was Mother for you....