Bingo became my parents main interest when I was about 11ish and they were happy to leave me alone at night from that age on.
Her brother had passed away and had left her some money and
she revelled in squandering it and showing off.
Mostly they went to Bingo together, especially at weekends but he dropped her off and then collected her if he didn`t have the money to cover his own tickets and she would go alone. They always kept their money separate in as much as what was his was theirs and what was hers was hers.
Money was power to Mother and she liked to wield it.
If luck wasn`t on her side and she came close to a jackpot and someone who was sitting nearby won she would be full of bile on returning home.
Bingo also gave her an opportunity to mix but in a limited way which was all her social skills would allow generally. She paraded her new clothes and struck up showy casual friendships where she would brag about this and that and from what I could gather from what she told me, leading them to get quite a distorted picture of her circumstances.
Bingo gave her a buzz and my Father was dragged along with it.
They even began to go on afternoons as well as evenings on the same day at times.
It scratched an inch when she was on a high and was a `cheer her up a bit` pastime when she was down in the dumps.
It scratched an inch when she was on a high and was a `cheer her up a bit` pastime when she was down in the dumps.
They generally left about 6-6.30pm and returned between 10-10.30pm. Sometimes ringing me to check I was OK if they stayed for the late session which meant they`d be home well after 11. If she had enjoyed herself and had a few drinks she would be giddy and excitable when she came in but if she had had no luck and began taking it out on my Father they would either return home arguing or there would be an atmosphere of silence. Just in case things had not gone well I made sure the house was tidy and I was in my room out of the way so I didn`t get dragged into it too.
I was left alone a lot.
Which was good and bad, part of me enjoyed her being out, I took long baths, played my records loudly and foraged about in the cupboards for a few extra snacks.
They would bring me crisps back sometimes.
She would smile a sickly sweet smile and tell me she liked to get out a bit cus it bucked her up and she knew I didn`t mind being on my own.
There were Winter nights though when the house was silent and dark, its design making it full of shadows and creaks, I was unsettled at times, I would stay in one room with the door shut and would sing to myself if I needed to go up and downstairs.
I was a sad little soul and there was such toxic energy always, the atmosphere seemed to hang heavy and all my life I`ve been hypersensitive to the energy of people and places.
I was trained to pick up on silent micro signals after all.
They were long nights and I recognise now that a lot of the sadness I felt was loneliness,
plain and simple.
In the years to come the money dwindled away and my Father was made redundant, after that money was also spent there was much bemoaning of their limited circumstances by her. No accountability for living above their means was ever acknowledged. I thought about all they had squandered away when they told me I couldn`t stay on at school and needed to get a job to contribute financially.
Years later my Father bought the old `clocking in` clock from his firm when it closed, he had a fondness for clocks and history and it was his prized possession. It was in the hall and he was always tinkering with it.
But when money got tight somehow my Mother persuaded him to sell it.
I was stunned and questioned why, she got very defensive and snapped that he.. `wanted a bit of money to go to the bingo with, I can`t keep paying for im...`
There was nothing he would not sacrifice on her instruction, not least me.
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